Adam Kay: Social media hides reality of parenthood, says writer and comedian

This Is Going to Hurt author and ex-doctor Adam Kay is shattered, which is hardly surprising - he's just been mopping up baby vomit and is clearly sleep-deprived.

He's most famous for his best-selling medical diaries, which drew back the curtain on the tough realities of being a doctor.

But right now, he's way more preoccupied with juggling his two babies, who are very close in age.

Kay and his husband, Games of Thrones producer James Farrell, share Ruby, aged 10 months, and Ziggy, six months, whom they had via surrogates.

They're having a steep learning curve - several in fact, as all new parents do.

He and Farrell do bottle feeds and nappies on alternate nights, in the hope of preserving some sleep while also working.

Kay's no stranger to being jolted into alertness at 4am, having been a junior doctor on an obstetrics ward until 2010.

While he's no longer delivering babies in the small hours, he admits to being a bit unprepared for parenthood.

"Going into the kitchen and putting the bright lights on, boiling the kettle and all that, it makes you 100% awake," he correctly observes.

Much like the realities of being a doctor, he's found that some of the glowing images of parenthood are perhaps a tad over-optimistic.

"I think if you're on Instagram, it's quite possible to have parenthood slightly mis-sold to you," he says.

"There are these people who say 'I wouldn't change a thing'.

"And that's really stuck with me - like you wouldn't change waking up at night? You wouldn't change the nappies? You wouldn't change not going out at night?

"So l dispute 'I wouldn't change a thing'. There's loads that I would change," he laughs.

"It disrupts your life more than anything else you can possibly imagine. However the net benefit is still enormous, because what they give back is absolutely amazing.

"But I wish someone had sat me down beforehand. Maybe I'm the outlier. I'm the idiot who failed to realise the realities."

He is, of course, using comedy to make a serious point, and there are plenty of online influencers who talk about the tough side of parenting.

But Kay specialises in distilling both the funny and poignant moments from whatever he is talking about, having done this as a writer and stand-up comedian.

His latest live show, Undoctored, is based on his hugely successful book of the same name.

It follows 2017's This Is Going to Hurt, about his experiences of being a junior doctor on an NHS labour ward. More than three million copies were sold, and it was dramatised on BBC One, winning Ben Whishaw, who played Kay, a best actor Bafta.

Undoctored shares more eye-watering anecdotes from his life as a medic, but is also about Kay's life beyond the NHS.

He turned it into another stage show, taking it to this year's Edinburgh Fringe, performing his first full season since 2016. It was the most popular of the festival's 3,500 shows, selling more than 23,000 tickets, with 32 sell-out performances.

"It was just a wonderful moment," he says. "I love the Fringe very much and it means a lot to me. All of my success has been down to the Fringe in 2016, before the book, when I read out from my diaries."

A friend brought a guest to see him perform, and that guest happened to be a book editor, who asked Kay if he had more diaries. This ultimately led to his first book.

"So for me, the Fringe was this most amazing springboard, which it has been for lots of people," he adds, although he feels it has "changed since the last time I was up".

"I don't think it's really open access any more because of the costs of going up and the big multiplex venues, which are so expensive to perform at.

"I had a wonderful month but I sort of did feel it was a different Fringe."

UK Theatre Web said of Undoctored that "Adam's style of songs and stories works excellently, a sort of cross between a stand-up and a lecture". Edinburgh Festivals Magazine added: "Don't be fooled - it's not all laughs. Kay gets serious about mental health in the NHS, sharing heart-wrenching stories and advocating for change."

Although the show does have plenty of laughs and musical numbers, he warns the audience it's not all going to be funny.

He talks about how some doctors "bottle everything up" emotionally, saying: "I suspect it partly comes down to the idea that patients don't want their doctors to be too human because humans make mistakes.

"So in a way you get trained to put up these shields, put up a front to maybe protect yourself, but it does the opposite of protecting you.

"Because if you push stuff away into a box, all this bad stuff that happens, that box will always open, and you have no control whatsoever over when that happens."

He left the profession after a traumatic incident at work left him with PTSD and nightmares.

Kay talks in his show about how crucial it is that the NHS "remembers staff are human beings" by taking care of their mental health, and prioritising retaining staff. He also supports doctors striking for more pay.

But what would he say to anyone telling him he should not have exposed the negative aspects of his job, and just got on with it?

"When This Is Going to Hurt came out, I got an almost universally positive reaction," he says. "But I also had probably between 10 and 20 messages from old-school doctors saying, 'What did you think was gonna happen? Toughen up, man up and grow a pair'.

"And I just thought, I've done that. I've definitely done the right thing."

As well as leaving medicine and publishing his diaries, Kay has also turned his hand to writing children's books, which, unsurprisingly, are full of revolting and hilarious facts.

His first two, Kay's Anatomy and Kay's Marvellous Medicine, have been translated into 29 languages and sold 500,000 copies.

Book number three, Kay's Incredible Inventions, is aimed at inspiring "the next generation of scientists and inventors".

A "guide to inventions that changed the world (and some that definitely didn't)", it covers topics from the unsavoury history of bottom wiping to how Velcro was invented.

Kay wrote it in the same style as his other works, which is to "draw people in with the funny, and then hopefully say something useful".

He also visits schools to talk about his books, and says he gets messages from parents saying they have "really resonated with kids who are reluctant readers, including some who are neurodivergent, which is just amazing".

One thing that delights him is adding in "sneaky schoolwork, from history to every part of science", so children learn without realising it.

"I had a message from a surgeon who was having breakfast with her son and he started talking to her about gallstones, and she said 'Are you reading my medical journals?'.

"He had been reading my book. I find it so rewarding."

Undoctored is at London's Lyric theatre from 23 to 28 October and The Lowry, Salford, on 8 November. Kay's Incredible Inventions, published by Puffin, is out in hardback on 14 November.